My Worst Fears

What scares me is the bane of old age;
that I can’t grow old gracefully.
I cannot bear to be like garbage
discarded in a dark back alley.

Grey hairs and wrinkles plus weak eyesight;
I sure do not seem like a winner.
Snores that keep you awake all night
can make the nicest person bitter.

I’m scared that I may lose my charm;
that sweet young things may call me uncle.
I would prefer to buy the farm
than having to face this debacle.

[I'm like the river]

Pic by Lee Swee Wei

I'm like the river
winding its way to the sea
lost and uncertain

Bird Nest

From the top:-
1. My flowering tree.
2. The bird nest.
3. One of the birds (in the center of the picture) watching from inside the tree.

I had stumbled upon the birds in the morning a few times in the past month or so frolicking in my flowering tree. They would emerge from somewhere inside the thick foliage, fly to another part, show a glimpse of themselves and then fly away. I noticed that they have a white patch on their heads and white fringes on their wings. I did not pay them much attention thinking that they were probably hunting for insects. A few days ago, I found out the reason why they were there; well hidden inside the thick foliage of my tree was a bird nest.

I had tried to capture the birds on camera but it was a very difficult task. They were very alert and would fly away at the slightest sound or movement even when I tried to photograph them from inside the house. Maybe a disguise would work. I can disguise myself as Big Bird. No, it would frighten them even more and I do not want them to leave because, according to Chinese folklore, a bird family brings luck and harmony. Honestly, I do not believe in all these myths; how can a bird nest, a rabbit's foot or a four leaf clover bring luck, right?

Now I understand why the birds always show themselves to me at a part away from the nest before flying off. They do not want me to know the location of the nest. Maybe they are afraid that I may make soup with their bird nest since I am Chinese. Silly birds; people of other races like bird's nest too.

I do not know if there are eggs inside the nest as I have not taken a look. This is because some birds are very sensitive; if they feel that their nest has been disturbed they would fly away never to return.

I am now anxiously waiting for the patter of small feet or, should it be the soft flutter of tiny wings? Every morning I go close to the tree to listen for the soft cries of a hungry nestling. I wonder if anyone would think of me a birdbrain if I behave like an expectant grandfather.

p.s.
Yesterday I bought a lottery ticket just in case ………………

Modern Living

Pic by Lee Swee Wei


Eyes peeled for scraps
hidden by plastic bags blown in the wind

On the wharf, garbage bins
watch the crashing waves

The chase of the fishing boats
seem so far away

Modern living.

Saying Goodbye Is So Hard

Her sobs, though stifled, were quite audible in the quiet of the night as we drove home. I had told myself not to cry as I wanted to be brave for the others but her heart-rending sobs brought tears to my eyes. I was glad it was dark inside the car.
My eldest daughter, Swee Wei, was the one crying. My wife, Sew Chin, and my two other daughters, Siu Wei and Wei Wei, had been unusually quiet. Everyone seemed to be lost in their own thoughts.
We were returning home after sending my eldest son, Kok Choon, off at the Taiping bus station. He was leaving for Singapore to study at one of the universities there. Everyone seemed cheerful at the bus station, even Wei Wei who is closest to him.
But in my heart, I knew that our small family will never be the same again. My son had left the nest and I knew that it was just the beginning. Soon, one by one, his sisters would leave too and my wife and I would be alone again.
I had dreaded this day for a long time. I did not want our tight-knit family to break up but I knew my children have to grow up and go out into the world to find their own niche just as I had a long time ago. (I realize then how my parents must have felt when I left for Kuala Lumpur to further my studies; how my father must have felt as he stood on the platform of the Taiping railway station forlornly waving goodbye as my train pulled away. I was so excited about the new world opening up before me that I did not feel their heartaches).
My dread became more acute when he started Form Six. I knew then that in two short years he would be leaving. As such, I was flabbergasted when, within days after his Form Six exams, he and a few classmates wanted to leave for Singapore to work temporarily. I was hoping that he would spend those few months at home with us but he was so excited about the trip. It was the first time that he had left home for so long and we missed him badly.
The day that Kok Choon was born, I had rushed back from Kuala Terengganu where I was working at that time, to the hospital in Taiping. The fact that I have become a father must have overwhelmed me. I was lost for words as I cradled the small pinkish bundle, wrapped in a towel, in my arms. It was sheer joy.
We spent the next two years in Kuala Terengganu and I can still recall our evening strolls on the beach at Pantai Batu Buruk on weekends and the way he would tear off down the aisles when we went shopping at the only supermarket there.
We watched television together at night and, when he became sleepy, he would climb onto my lap. I would then put my arms around him and he would soon be fast asleep.
After that, we came back to Taiping and he attended nursery school and kindergarten before starting school at Saint George’s Institution. Then it was a blur of sending him for tuition classes and extra-curricular activities, teaching him to cycle, packing him off to holiday camps, worrying when he came home late.
But, he has left the nest now and we cannot look after him anymore. I can only say a silent prayer to god to keep him safe.
My children have all left home. When they were studying, they would come back more often during the holidays but now that they are working, they only come back during the Chinese New Year.
I know that in time to come, they will get married and start their own families. Things will be different then.
My wife and I have got used to being on our own now. What I cannot get used to is saying goodbye after every visit.
Just how do I stop missing them?

The Cage

Pic by AsSoul8197


I was caged, fearful and sad till
My heart stirred at the free bird's will
To ride the wind and claim the sky;
I must break out of my bastille.

Just like the bird that flies so high
The one that trills a joyful cry
As it soars and dives in the sun;
Amongst the clouds I long to fly!

To roam the world, to have such fun!
To seek the Plains where bison run!
To dance a ballet in the air!
To do all that I have not done!

It's good to dream but would I dare
To cast aside without a care
The fears inside that brought despair?
Dare I get up from my wheelchair?


Inspired by Maya Angelou’s "I know why the caged bird sings".

[behind the tree]

behind the tree
there’s a dribble in the wind
peeing in the woods